The Wizard of Oz and My Inconceivable Journey to The Secret Garden of Hope

**Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts**

One fine day in 2015, somewhere in the heart of England, oddly whilst in a place as academically demanding as at a university, I forgot to read. Yes, you read that right. I do not know what happened but I just couldn't comprehend what I was reading. It felt like a blow to the heart and most certainly one to the brain. "Was I going insane? Why was I not able to JUST read?" Figuratively banging my head in all senses, I rushed back to my dorm room and started hyperventilating: "What on earth was happening? I just can't read anymore!" I decided to give it another shot, maybe the private sanctuary of my bedroom would spare me the inquietude of studying in the library. Et voilà, as you may have guessed everything I tried to read just repeatedly rebounded. And so began my struggles with written comprehension (and eventually oral comprehension, but we'll get to that later) seemingly "out of the blue". 

Resolved to try my best, I tried attending all lectures the next day with all my industry, and before you can say "read", I lost my ability to take in what the lecturer was talking about. "I've become brainless", I thought to myself as days passed by with the same narrative taking precedence, commencing my struggles with anxiety and worry. Years passed (I don't know how I managed to pass that second year of university, although I eventually had to drop out in my final year due to the same) - I couldn't understand books, movies, television and eventually, this inflated to encompass my not getting a single word of anything of what people were talking to me about. 

I tried reading about a hundred books (could've been more) but to no avail - I cried every single day. Had the immense curiosity she had for life finally killed this cat? I tried re-reading Harry Potter, the books that engendered my love of reading in the first place, however my efforts were all in vain. "I've truly lost everything. I'm done for. What will I ever do in future? A college drop out who struggles with understanding routine conversation? How will I even go on?", I pondered as I contemplated ending my life. For what is man but not for his ability to comprehend? 

After what seemed like ages of struggling and a gargantuan assortment of books - I finally decided to delve into children's fiction: "Maybe my brain's just gone back a couple years and I need to re-train it." However, nothing worked until I picked up, as you may have guessed, I believe one of the best pieces of literature ever written and one of the 'top 10 books for children' on practically every list - The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L.Frank Baum. The tale narrates the adventures of Dorothy, a little girl who faces all her fears by means of a trip to the land of Oz when a cyclone transfers her and her absolutely delightful pup Toto, from Kansas to the land of the Munchkins - a place so foreign and seemingly so treacherous to a little girl of eight, inspite of which she does not lose her cool. At the end of her extremely testing and fatiguing journey, however, she comes out on top as stronger and as braver as ever. The simple language and well-developed arc of this page-turner made me sit for hours on end until i finally completed the book. I was stupefied - "had I actually managed to interpret AND understand what I had actually read? This was astounding!" I rushed to the local book store and grabbed all of the renowned children's works I could find - from Matilda and Charlie to The Secret Garden. The next couple of days, I devoured them all like Augustus Gloop did his chocolate (excuse me for all the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory references, I'm a big fan!). Reading through these books, I eventually realised I had years of pain and resentment stored for the people who I believed had, in some way or another, wronged me or been mean to me, that I had forgotten who I was living this (MY) life for - much like Mr. Colin Craven from The Secret Garden!

I had absolutely lost the desire to do anything, to feel anything, and to enjoy and just be in the moment and soak it all in. I was so incessantly scrutinising myself and others and pondering over the future round the clock that I had forgotten to live the life that was passing me by. I vowed then to let go of it all, to be kind to everyone and not expect anything in return, and to be thankful and to express my gratitude for whatever I may experience in life; and most importantly, to be present in the here and the now, all of it much like Dorothy herself, que sera sera. I have practised this since and I can truly say it's worked wonders for me: I can now read works as tough as those of Victor Hugo and Sir Alexandre Dumas without breaking a sweat and it has helped me immensely on my ongoing journey to complete healing and to moving on and living life truly for myself.

I promise you it will get better. Just hold on ♡

Mille tendresse and all my love,

M

Picture Credits: PongMoji/Shuttershock via collinsdictionary.com